Are You a People-Pleaser? Understanding Trauma's Impact on Your Relationships

Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: Assertiveness and Healing for Mothers After Trauma

Motherhood After Trauma is a podcast dedicated to supporting mothers on their healing journeys. In a recent episode, host Emily sat down with Talia Bombola, a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship mentor, to discuss a topic that resonates deeply with many trauma survivors: the impact of trauma on interpersonal patterns, especially people-pleasing, avoidance, and over-assertiveness.

This blog post dives deep into the nuanced insights and actionable strategies shared in the episode. Whether you’re a mother healing from trauma or supporting someone who is, you’ll find expert advice, practical tools, and compassionate guidance to help you reclaim your voice and build healthier relationships.

Understanding Trauma Responses in Motherhood

Trauma doesn’t just live in the past. It shapes how we show up in our relationships today. For mothers, these patterns often manifest as:

• People-pleasing, also known as the “fawn” response
• Avoidance, also known as the “freeze” response
• Over-assertiveness, or “porcupine spikes”

Let’s break down each pattern, explore why it happens, and learn how to move toward confidence and authentic connection.

1. People-Pleasing: The Fawn Response

Why People-Pleasing Develops

Talia explains that people-pleasing often begins as parent-pleasing in childhood, especially in homes with emotionally immature or unpredictable caregivers. Children learn to keep the peace by accommodating others’ needs and suppressing their own desires to avoid conflict or emotional fallout.

Key Insights

• Rooted in Early Experiences: Our first lessons in relationships come from our families. If you had to “walk on eggshells” as a child, you likely learned to prioritize others’ comfort over your own.
• Societal Conditioning: Women, in particular, are socialized to be agreeable and nurturing, reinforcing people-pleasing tendencies.
• A Survival Mechanism: The “fawn” response is the nervous system’s way of avoiding danger by appeasing others. It’s not weakness. It’s a protective adaptation.

The Hidden Cost

While people-pleasing can keep the peace, it often leads to self-neglect, resentment, and a loss of your authentic self. Over time, it becomes difficult to identify your own needs, let alone express them.

Actionable Steps to Overcome People-Pleasing

1. Reality-Test Your Fears
   • Separate “What Ifs” from Facts: When you fear being assertive, ask yourself: Is this fear based on past trauma, or is it relevant to the current situation?
   • Identify the Real Risk: Are you afraid of being disliked, rejected, or judged? Naming the fear helps you address it directly.
2. Try Mini Exposure Exercises
   • Start Small: Practice assertiveness in low-stakes situations. For example, ask a friend for help moving a chair or politely request that someone lower their music in public.
   • Build Assertiveness Muscle Memory: Each small success reinforces your ability to advocate for yourself.
3. Make Gradual Progress
   • Avoid Overwhelm: Don’t try to go from passive to assertive overnight. Take baby steps to avoid triggering your nervous system.
   • Expand Your Skills: As you gain confidence, practice more advanced boundary-setting, especially with challenging people.
4. Reframe Assertiveness
   • It’s Not All-or-Nothing: Assertiveness isn’t about being aggressive or confrontational. It’s about expressing your needs with respect for yourself and others.

2. Avoidance: The Freeze Response

Why Avoidance Happens

Trauma can also lead to avoidance, causing you to shut down or withdraw from difficult conversations and situations. This is the “freeze” response, which is often triggered by feeling overwhelmed or fearing incompetence.

Key Insights

• A Flooded Nervous System: When overwhelmed, your body may experience tunnel vision, numbness, or dissociation.
• Hyper-Independence: Some trauma survivors cope by never asking for help, leading to isolation and burnout.

Actionable Steps to Break the Freeze

1. Use Somatic Grounding Techniques
   • Thymus Tap: Gently tap your sternum three times to activate the vagus nerve and calm your system. This can be done discreetly anywhere.
   • Butterfly Hug from EMDR: Cross your arms over your chest and alternately tap your upper arms while breathing deeply. This bilateral stimulation helps ground you.
2. Try Progressive Muscle Relaxation or Meditation
   • Use a Guided Practice: Try a 20-minute guided meditation or muscle relaxation exercise to bring your body out of the flooded state.
   • Expand Your “Window of Tolerance”: Regular nervous system work helps you handle stress without shutting down.
3. Practice Low-Stakes Requests
   • Ask for Small Favours: Request a glass of water or a minor favour from someone you trust. This builds trust in others and reduces the burden of doing everything alone.

3. Over-Assertiveness: The Porcupine Spikes

Why Over-Assertiveness Occurs

Some trauma survivors swing to the opposite extreme, responding with over-assertiveness or irritability. This “porcupine spikes” response is often a sign of being overstimulated, exhausted, or having unmet basic needs.

Key Insights

• It’s Not Just a Personality Trait: This behaviour is often a nervous system response to chronic stress or trauma.
• The Impact on Relationships: Loved ones may feel like they’re “walking on eggshells” around you.

Actionable Steps for Managing Over-Assertiveness

1. Meet Your Basic Needs First
   • Check In: Are you hungry, tired, or overstimulated? Address these needs before engaging in difficult conversations.
2. Regulate Your Nervous System
   • Pause and Breathe: Take a break, step outside, or use grounding techniques before responding.
   • Therapy and Support: Ongoing therapy can help you develop healthier ways to express your feelings and set boundaries.
3. Consider Timing and Communication
   • Offer Gentle Feedback: If you’re supporting someone who has their “spikes out,” approach them calmly and with care. Use language such as:
     • “I love you, and I’m sharing this because I care.”
     • “Is there anything I can do to help you feel less on edge?”
   • Don’t Take It Personally: Recognize that their reaction is about their internal state, not you.
   • Set Boundaries: If needed, say, “Let’s table this conversation until we can both talk calmly.”
4. Plant Seeds, Don’t Push
   • Give Them Space: Sometimes, the best support is to gently offer help and then step back. Let the person come to self-awareness in their own time.

Expert Recommendations and Resources

For Trauma-Surviving Mothers

• Start Small: Whether you’re working on assertiveness, breaking avoidance, or managing irritability, small, consistent steps are key.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Healing is a journey. Be gentle with yourself as you unlearn old patterns.
• Seek Professional Support: Therapy, coaching, or structured courses can provide guidance and accountability.

Talia Bumble’s Resources

• Instagram:
  • @taliabombola
• Website Links: 
  • https://taliabombola.com
  • https://therapywithtalia.com

Final Thoughts: Healing Is a Journey, Not a Destination

As Talia and Emily remind us, the first and most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. By understanding your trauma responses and taking small, actionable steps, you can move from survival to thriving—building confidence, setting healthy boundaries, and modeling resilience for your children.

Remember:

• You’re not alone.
• Your needs matter.
• Small steps lead to big changes.

If this resonates with you, consider downloading the Unlocking Peace guide from the show notes and start your healing journey today.

About Emily Cleghorn

Talia Bombola, The Confidence & Assertiveness Specialist™, is a Certified Psychodynamic, Licensed Psychotherapist, and Relationship Mentor for Women. She has won Newport Beach’s Best Therapist 3 years in a row, 2022-2024 and is in the Business Hall of Fame. Her work centers around helping anxious women feel secure by increasing self-worth, confidence, and assertiveness & rewiring beliefs about themselves, men, and relationships. She helps you heal the "not enoughness" that prevents you from living a life overflowing with satisfaction and self-worth.