As mamas navigating the complex world of parenting after trauma, we often find ourselves grappling with an unexpected challenge: the unequal distribution of household responsibilities. It's a struggle that many of us face, silently wondering if we're alone in feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. But here's the truth - you're not alone, and it doesn't have to be this way.

I recently had the pleasure of speaking with Sharon Costanzo, a relationship coach and host of the Respected and Connected podcast, who shared invaluable insights on creating a more equitable home environment. Her words resonated deeply with me, and I believe they will with you too.

The Invisible Burden of Motherhood

Many of us have grown up watching the women in our lives lose themselves in their roles as wives and mothers. We've seen them become the default caregivers, shouldering the majority of household chores, even when working outside the home. It's a pattern that's been passed down through generations, but as Sharon emphasizes, it's a pattern we have the power to break.

Recognizing the Problem

The first step in creating change is acknowledging that there's a problem. Sharon points out several patterns that contribute to this imbalance:

• Economic dependence: Even when women work, they often earn less, leading to financial reliance on their partners.

• Unequal household labor: Women frequently bear the brunt of domestic responsibilities.

• Imbalanced decision-making power: Men often assume the role of primary decision-maker, sometimes without considering their partner's input.

• Social pressure: There's an expectation for women to prioritize family above their own needs.

Recognizing these patterns in our own lives can be uncomfortable, but it's a crucial step towards positive change.

The Courage to Challenge

Creating an equitable home environment requires courage. It means challenging deeply ingrained societal norms and generational patterns. But remember, as Sharon beautifully puts it, "family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames."

You, mama, can be that person. By advocating for a more balanced partnership, you're not just improving your own life - you're creating a healthier model for your children and healing generational wounds.

Practical Steps Towards Partnership

So, how do we move towards a more equitable home environment? Sharon offers some practical advice:

1. Self-reflection: Take time to identify your needs, values, and priorities.

2. Believe in your worth: Understand that you deserve a healthy, balanced relationship.

3. Communicate: Have open, honest conversations with your partner about the imbalance you're experiencing.

4. Seek mutual benefits: Look for solutions that work for both you and your partner.

5. Build a support system: Lean on friends, family, and if needed, professional help.

Reframing Partnership as a Win-Win

One of Sharon's most powerful insights is the importance of framing partnership as a win-win situation. When we view equitable relationships as beneficial for everyone involved - ourselves, our partners, and our children - we're more likely to achieve lasting change.

This shift in perspective can transform how we approach conversations about household responsibilities. Instead of feeling like we're taking something away from our partners, we can focus on how a more balanced dynamic benefits the entire family.

What Does a Healthy Partnership Look Like?

Sharon outlines several key elements of a healthy, equitable partnership:

• Shared decision-making power

• Equal access to resources (including finances and leisure time)

• Co-parenting responsibilities

• Mutual emotional support

• Support for individual goals and ambitions

• Valuing both paid and unpaid contributions

These elements provide a roadmap for what we can strive towards in our own relationships.

Embracing the Journey

Creating an equitable home environment is a journey, not a destination. It will likely feel uncomfortable at times, especially if you've been conditioned to avoid "rocking the boat." But remember, your needs and your voice matter.

As we navigate this path, let's hold onto Sharon's encouraging words: "You don't have to do it alone. We're in this together." Whether it's through seeking support from friends, joining a women's group, or working with a relationship coach, there are resources available to help you on this journey.

By taking steps towards a more equitable home environment, we're not just improving our own lives - we're creating a ripple effect that touches our partners, our children, and generations to come. So take a deep breath, mama. You've got this, and you're not alone.