The Most Empowering Practices for Healing Pleasure After Toxic Relationships

Introduction:
Trauma can leave mothers stuck in patterns of people-pleasing, hypervigilance, and self-abandonment without even realizing it. This blog explores how healing begins through awareness, small moments of pleasure, healthier boundaries, and learning to prioritize your own needs alongside caring for others.

Understanding Super Traits and Survival Strategies

Key Insight:

Many trauma survivors develop what Dr. Wiggins calls “super traits”- survival strategies learned in childhood that manifest as people-pleasing, hypervigilance, and self-abandonment.

What Are Super Traits?

• Origin:

  • Often rooted in growing up with emotionally unavailable parents, family addiction, or high-needs siblings.

• Manifestation:
  • As adults, these traits show up as:

    • Extreme empathy

    • Hard work and over-functioning

    • Loyalty and tolerance (even when it’s not reciprocated)

    • Forgiveness to a fault

• Impact:

  • While these traits can seem like strengths, they often set us up for toxic relationships and chronic self-neglect.

Expert Tip:

Super traits are not inherently bad, but without awareness, they can lead to repeated cycles of self-abandonment and burnout.

The Power of Awareness: Recognizing Your Patterns

Key Insight:

Awareness is the first and most crucial step in breaking free from survival mode and reclaiming pleasure.

How to Build Awareness

• Identify Your Super Traits:

  • Take assessments or quizzes (like Dr. Wiggins’ Super Trait Quiz) to pinpoint your unique patterns.

• Reflect on Your Relationships:

  • Notice where you default to people-pleasing or put others’ needs before your own.

• Track Your Triggers:

  • Keep a journal of situations where you feel compelled to self-abandon or over-function.

Actionable Advice:

• Pause and Observe:

  • When you catch yourself prioritizing others, ask: “Is this truly what I want, or am I defaulting to an old pattern?”

• Name the Pattern:

  • Simply naming your super trait in the moment (“I’m over-functioning right now”) can disrupt the automatic response.

Expert Insight:

Awareness alone can start to shift your relational dynamics and open the door to new choices.

Microdosing Pleasure: Small Steps to Reconnect with Yourself

Key Insight:

After trauma, pleasure can feel inaccessible or even unsafe. Dr. Wiggins recommends “microdosing” pleasure- taking tiny, manageable steps to reconnect with your senses and desires.

What Is Microdosing Pleasure?

• Definition:

  • Incorporating small, intentional moments of pleasure into your daily routine.

• Examples:

  • Savoring the warmth of your morning shower

  • Enjoying the scent of your shampoo

  • Taking a mindful walk and noticing the breeze

  • Applying skincare with intention

• Why it works:
  • Rebuilds Neural Pathways

    • Small acts of pleasure help retrain your nervous system to recognize and accept joy.

  • Reduces Overwhelm:

    • Microdosing is less intimidating than overhauling your entire self-care routine.

  • Builds Positive Momentum:

    • Each small win makes it easier to prioritize yourself next time.

Actionable Advice:

• Start with One Tiny Practice:

  • Choose one sensory experience to focus on each day.

• Celebrate Consistency:

  • Acknowledge your effort, no matter how small. Consistency is more important than intensity.

• Give Yourself Permission:

  • Remind yourself that pleasure is not selfish- it’s essential for healing.

Expert Insight:

Microdosing pleasure is especially powerful for those who feel burnt out, overwhelmed, or disconnected from their own desires.

Pleasure-Centered Practices: Centering Yourself in Daily Life

Key Insight:

Moving from microdosing to pleasure-centered living means making your own pleasure and needs a central part of your daily decisions-even when it feels uncomfortable.

What Are Pleasure-Centered Practices?

• Definition:

  • Making choices based on what brings you joy, not just what pleases others.

• Examples:

  • Choosing the dinner you want to eat, regardless of others’ preferences.

  • Picking the TV show or music you enjoy.

  • Setting boundaries around your time and energy.

Why It’s Challenging:

• Hypervigilance:

  • Trauma survivors are often conditioned to scan the environment and keep others happy to stay safe.

• Fear of Disappointing Others:

  • Many women equate self-sacrifice with being a “good” mother or partner.

• Internalized Guilt:

  • Prioritizing yourself can trigger feelings of guilt or fear of being seen as “selfish.”

Actionable Advice:

• Practice Saying No:

  • Start with low-stakes situations and build up to bigger boundaries.

• Wear Your “Villain Crown”:

  • As Dr. Wiggins says, it’s okay to disappoint others if it means honoring your own needs.

• Reframe Self-Care:

  • See pleasure-centered living as a necessity, not a luxury.

Expert Insight:

Over-functioning (doing things for others what they can do for themselves) is a form of self-abandonment. Reclaiming your pleasure is an act of self-respect and a model for your children.

Overcoming Self-Abandonment: Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Health

Key Insight:

Self-abandonment- neglecting your own needs for the sake of others- has real physical and mental health consequences, from autoimmune flare-ups to chronic resentment.

Common Patterns of Self-Abandonment

• Diet and Health:

  • Not buying the foods you need for your health because it’s inconvenient for others.

• Time and Energy:

  • Always putting your family’s or partner’s needs before your own rest or self-care.

• Emotional Labor:

  • Managing everyone else’s feelings at the expense of your own.

Actionable Advice:

• Ask Yourself:

  • “If my child or partner needed this, would I make it happen?” If yes, you deserve the same care.

• Set Clear Boundaries:

  • Communicate your needs and stick to them, even if it causes discomfort.

• Prioritize Your Health:

  • Remember, your well-being is foundational to your ability to care for others.

Expert Insight:

Self-abandonment is a learned survival skill. Rebuilding self-care is like training a muscle; it takes time, patience, and practice.

Healing Through Parenting: Co-Regulation and Breaking Cycles

Key Insight:

Parenting after trauma offers a unique opportunity to break generational cycles and heal alongside your children.

Co-Regulation and Emotional Modeling

• Supporting Your Child’s Regulation:

  • Helping your child manage their emotions can be therapeutic for you as well.

• Teaching Boundaries:

  • Encourage your child to have a voice, say yes or no, and choose their own pleasure.

• Full-Circle Healing:

  • Witnessing your child stand up for themselves can heal parts of you that were silenced in childhood.

Actionable Advice:

• Model Emotional Honesty:

  • Share your feelings and coping strategies with your child.

• Practice Co-Regulation:

  • Use calming techniques together, like deep breathing or mindful movement.

• Celebrate Their Autonomy:

  • Support your child’s choices, even when they differ from your own.

Expert Insight:

Healing is not linear. Supporting your child’s growth can catalyze your own transformation and reinforce new, healthier patterns.

Expert Resources and Next Steps

Ready to take the next step in your healing journey? Here are some resources and recommendations from Dr. Jordan Wiggins and Emily Cleghorn:

• Super Trait Quiz:

  • Identify your unique survival patterns and get personalized insights. [Contact Dr.Wiggins at info@thepleasurecollective]

• Healing Quiz

  • Take the Find Your Next Step to Calm and Healing Quiz to discover where you are in your healing journey and what support may help you most.